So. Today is quite the day for growth. On a grand, national scale? Joe Biden’s inauguration was a success. After the insane events at the Capitol last week which seemed to freak out everybody around the world, myself absolutely being one of them, I think we were all a little concerned that something terrible would happen again. But it was a beautiful, lovely ceremony that went well, and I am so glad to get The Orange Fuck out of our government.
On a personal level, I had a therapy appointment today at 11am (around the same time as the inauguration) which brought me to a realization. She asked me what a fear was of mine, and I said “oh, you know, people I love dying.” Then I immediately started sobbing. I then realized that I think I hold in emotion to much, and she suggested I journal.
I’ve dabbled in journaling before, but it’s usually a pretty surface level “Oh I went on a trip with my friends and it was fun,” kind of journaling. Mostly to remember the good times. I’ve never attempted to write out how I’m feeling in regards to my deepest fears and anxieties. It’s not something I like to think about much. In fact, my favorite mode of coping – especially during this pandemic – is “avoidance.” Here’s how it goes:
Hey, wouldn’t it suck if someone I love died? OH GOD DON’T THINK ABOUT IT, HURRY, PUT ON BUZZFEED UNSOLVED AND STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!!
Turns out, this doesn’t really help things in the long run. I mean, it helps a little. I don’t think it’s good to revel in fears and anxieties. Life is about being happy, and if you spend too much time battling fears and anxieties, it leaves little room for good emotions. But there’s a balance. Stomping down fears the moment you get them only allows them to fester and grow.
I hope this journal helps me with the balance. I think I can spend most of my day doing the fun stuff, but if I take a half hour or so out of the day and sort through my Thoughts > Emotions > Actions cycle, it could really help in the long run.
But not today. I already cried for an hour straight a couple hours ago so I think I earned self care for the rest of the day.
x