I had my therapy session yesterday and we did a lot of digesting my ADHD thoughts. It was very helpful in some ways, and sort of raised more questions in another. Maybe when I’m feeling a little better I’ll delve into the ADHD issues I have, but right now I have a more pressing issue.
Health anxiety!!! I’m definitely feeling it right now but like, I don’t know why? Isn’t that usually how I start these things? I feel like I have just the slightest bit of pressure in my stomach and now I’m overthinking and scared of it.
It also probably doesn’t help that I had a dream last night that I was diagnosed with some terrible disease. And the diagnosis was “you’re going to die by 3:15pm today.” But then 3:15pm came and I didn’t, so I was like “Oh great, glad that was wrong.” Now that I think about it – that’s actually a very similar way to the way I live my life. I’m constantly thinking “Oh I hope I don’t die today” or “tomorrow” or “by 33,” so on and so on and so on. But eventually that time passes around, and I feel a wave of relief that I didn’t. It’s definitely not a healthy way to live – spending so much time worrying about the one day that I do, that it’s negatively effecting the hundreds, thousands of days that I don’t.
I’ve been working on what I realized in the last post with the feel wheel. It has definitely helped a lot in the past already. Today it’s a little rougher to get my head in that “content” place but I will keep working on it. The real challenge is doing it when I’m in the middle of a physical sensation that makes me uncomfortable. Fear is a very, very worn down path in my neural pathway. And I’m still working on carving other ones.