I actually don’t feel like talking right now, but I think it might help me. I’m so anxious today. And this is making me not want to eat, which is making me feel weak and tired and worse. I know I’m causing a cycle of stupid for myself, but it’s so damn hard to break. It’s 9:08pm and I’m just waiting around until 10pm until I can sleep.
This started because of a pain I had on my right side – about at my hip bone. I’m worried it’s something with my ovaries, or intestines, or something, I don’t know. I think most likely it’s tension from shaking my leg/pressure from using my mouse. I’m trying to pay attention to where exactly it is, but sometimes it “moves” which makes me question if it’s real. But then sometimes it’s right at the spot where my ovaries are (I think?) which scares me a lot. I read a story once about a girl getting ovarian cancer very young and dying, and now that’s haunting my brain.
So now’s just the waiting game of waiting until 10pm to grab a melatonin and be unconscious for a little bit, and hopefully tomorrow is a little better.
edit: I don’t think I want to do “edits” very often but I think it’s important for posterity’s sake to make a note. It’s 10:03pm and I feel much better now. The darkness I was in compared to the relative light heartedness I feel now is insane. Me and Emily (my bff) started chatting about WandaVision and it got my mind off it enough to chill me out. Then I threw on some Danny Gonzalez videos and it chilled me out more. I also tried to REALLY pay attention to relaxing my left side and it seems to have helped. So I’m happy I feel better, but slightly annoyed at how swift of a mood swing I Just had. Oh well, I’m gonna enjoy this while I can!