Alright. As much as I really want to go back to my tried and true method of Avoidance, I’m going to try to get some thoughts out first. I have my favorite YouTube video lined up for when I’m done with this. But first, let’s dig into some feelings.
Today has been rough, but I’m not really sure why? Last night around 8p.m. I felt my chest tighten up briefly, and I convinced myself I was having some sort of heart issue. For the rest of the evening I sort of just wanted to go to bed because my anxiety was really getting to me. One of my favorite things to do when I’m feeling anxious is sleep. It feels really good to just let go and be unconscious for a little while.
I know that sounds suspiciously close to “I want to die” but trust me, I do not want to die. Not wanting me (or anyone) to die is my biggest anxiety-creator in my life. But sometimes, it does feel like the only time my brain is not going a mile a minute is when I’m sleeping. And when these “mile a minute thoughts” are horrifically negative, I’ll take one unconsciousness please! Other times, my “mile a minute thoughts” are super fun – like projects, drawings, and ingesting content that I love. Those are the times where I’ll stay up to 4a.m. and dread having to be unconscious because I’m addicted to the thought party I’m having by myself. Lately, that has not been the case.
Anyway, I woke up with some of the residual anxiety from last night. Worried that I’m missing some big health sign. My throat feels a little weird – is it throat cancer? My face feels a little weird – is it poor blood circulation? My stomach is unsettled – stomach cancer?? Sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but the problem with these feelings are that they are so vague, but SO scary, that it’s a constant underlying dread throughout my day. And of course, if you look for weird body sensations, you’ll feel them. Your body is constantly moving and adjusting and working, so there will be sensations. Doesn’t help that my anxiety reduces my appetite, which causes a host of sensations on it’s own. My problem is that I assume every sensation is something catastrophically wrong.
I know the things that have helped me in the past; one of them is to look up health anxiety communities on reddit. I’m not the least bit alone in these fears, and some of the best advice I found is on those subreddits. So maybe once I’m in a bit of a better space, I’ll check those out again. As with most troubles, finding solace in other people is probably the best way to feel better about them.
Another thing that I’ve found that is helpful – and much, much more existentially deep – is getting in tune with the fact that death is a reality for every living person. Whatever helps you cope with that, is what you should do. If you feel better believing in heaven, focus on that. If you feel better focusing on it simply being The Great Rest, focus on that. If you feel better not thinking of any of that and focusing on the now, focus on that. I remember last time I’ve been through this I decided that I felt better believing that heaven is real. Sure, the skeptics could give a million reasons why it doesn’t make sense, and that’s fine. But frankly, I’d rather be wrong and happy while I’m here.
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